I blog for me.

This is a long one. You might want to get some coffee. And I wasn’t sure if I actually wanted to post this because it’s very honest. But after writing it, it only makes sense.

 

 

Do you ever feel like you anticipate things happening, you plan and plan, you look forward to things for months – and then they’re just over? And you don’t really think about them anymore? You see pictures or you remember a funny situation that happened, but the memories don’t even really feel like they’re yours? Almost like you never lived through it. This happens to me all the time.  I don’t remember this happening to me when I was younger, but ever since I’ve struggled with depression I have felt this way.

I think that’s the reason I started blogging.

I tend to forget things. And not in an Alzheimer's kind of way. But over time I just forget because the details aren’t important anymore. And depression has caused me to feel like a zombie walking through my own life in autopilot. I still have emotions. I still sit in front of the fire and close my eyes because it feels so good and warm. I still laugh when Mark and his brothers recite Dumb and Dumber over and over and over. I feel things. I express things. So I’m not totally on autopilot. But I feel like I just go from thing to thing. And nothing has more weight or importance than the next thing. I look forward to weekend plans all week and I have a great time once the weekend actually starts, but by Monday morning I’m already looking forward to the following weekend instead of thinking back over the one I just had.

My sisters wedding was such a huge event. And because of that I feel like the memories from that day should be extremely clear in my mind. I should be able to open up the 7.2.11 folder in my brain and relive it like it was yesterday. But I can’t. Partially because it was so wonderful and happened so quickly after months and months of planning that it was completely surreal. But also because I partially feel like I was watching the whole thing from above. And I hate that.

I used to think that I forgot things after-the-fact because I live in the moment. I am so engrossed in what I’m doing, that I don’t bring it along with me. I soak it up for all it’s worth and then move on. And maybe that’s true. But it’s also really frustrating and sad.

When I blog about family vacation, my favorite music, or a totally random topic that’s on my mind, I am somehow extending my emotions beyond the event. I can look back and read what I wrote. I can see how I felt. I can look back over months of my life and see how I’ve grown and changed. I have proof of what I’ve learned. Proof that I’ve lived. And proof that it mattered enough for me to write about it.

And so blogging has always been something that I’ve done for myself.
A way for me to focus on the positive things in life, the important things in life, the hard things in life. There have been periods where I blog every day because life is so vibrant that I have a ton to record. Other times life has been so confusing and still that I don’t have anything to say at all. And that’s important. I want to look back at my blog when I’m 25 - 35 - 45 and remember what life was like for me at twenty. I want to remember. I want to remember now, too.

I need that constant reminder of how blessed I am. The constant reminder of faith, family, friends, and love. The constant reminder that each day is a gift. The constant reminder to look for something to be thankful for on the days I’m really not feeling it.

I don’t blog for anyone else.
I don’t blog to have 8,000 followers. I only have 8. I don’t blog to be trendy and cool like all the other twenty-somethings in America. I actually am pretty much ok with the fact that I’m a loner and I’m pretty lame. I don’t blog to make my life seem fabulous. I try to be honest about the good and the bad because that’s real. I don’t mirror or copy my favorite bloggers because their topics/blogs are so popular. I blog about the things that are important to me even if no one but Mark reads it. I blog for me.

I’ve been thinking about this for a few weeks now. Which is why posting was a little sparse in September/October. I really needed to figure out why I was blogging so that I could continue. Otherwise it was pointless and I needed to stop. 
But I’m glad I took the time to sort it all out.

I blog for me.

Thank you to those of you that read and comment on a regular basis. I appreciate your feedback and truly am excited that you follow GG. It’s exciting to know that other people agree/disagree with you or connect with you through your life experiences. So thank you. And thank you for sticking through this one if you read to the end :) I don’t want it to seem like I think my purpose for blogging is better than anyone else's or I feel superior to other people. That is not the case. I just wanted to flush out my reasons for blogging.