Lacking

I really lack the motivation, energy, or desire to do much of anything.
I love to read. I love to crochet. I love to go for walks. I love to sing.
And yet I really don't do any of those things anymore.
A year ago I blamed it on being sick. Then I blamed it on getting better.
And then things seemed to be better. All back to normal.
I changed my diet and felt better than I could ever remember feeling.
And everything just seemed right.

But after the holidays and moving calmed down it was pretty obvious.
I don’t really do anything.
Work. Home. Dinner. TV. Bed. Repeat. Monday through Friday.
I’ve realized this pattern but no part of me has wanted to change it.
I’ve wished it was different but I couldn’t make it different.

I didn’t think it was depression because that felt completely different.
That was dark and lonely and confusing.
I didn’t have a choice in that. It was a maze that had no exit.
This was different.
I had clarity. I was happy. I wasn’t tired.
I felt I had a choice. I just didn’t have the energy to choose it.
So this time I really have nothing to blame it on.

So something had to change.
I’ve felt for a few weeks now that something was changing.
A lot of thinking. A lot of praying. A lot of being still.
Still no answers, but a lot of processing.

I had breakfast with my dad on Saturday and told him that I feel like I have nothing to give right now, nothing to offer. I know God has given me gifts and abilities. I know they’re in here. But I can’t seem to find them. I feel more like I had them. Past tense. Like they are no longer. Or they’re just really lost. Maybe I’m really lost.
It was hard to admit those things. I thought that after I moved home and got better everything would correct itself. I didn’t think I’d be sitting here a year later still feeling a little lost inside my own life. I thought I would have clarity about my future. I thought I would feel great purpose in my future and in my day to day life.

I love my job. I love my family. I love our new house. I love the way I can depend on Mark. I love the things I am learning. I’m happy and, for the most part, am very content.
I just feel a little lost. Some days, a lot lost.

Sunday morning I laid in bed with my coffee and read one of my favorite books. The first book I’ve read since before Thanksgiving. I sang next to Mark in church and just listened to the voices around me. Mark and I went for a walk after church. We didn’t talk very much. Just a comfortable silence and a strong hand holding mine. And today at work I dreamed about all the DIY projects I would do if I had my own home. I spent time talking with my mom after work in the kitchen. And it just hit me.

Change.
And maybe the first steps to finding that clarity and purpose.
Clarity from God and a purpose in what He has for me.

Maybe it was the winter blues getting to me. And the coming of spring cleared things right up. Or maybe the change in seasons is just a great picture of what is going on in my heart. The dormant and dark is once again coming alive in the light.

 

Again Jesus spoke to them, saying, “I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will not walk in darkness, but will have the light of life.”
John 8:12