I blog for me. Take Two.

This time with some quotes.

   

      

     

I blog for me.

This is a long one. You might want to get some coffee. And I wasn’t sure if I actually wanted to post this because it’s very honest. But after writing it, it only makes sense.

 

 

Do you ever feel like you anticipate things happening, you plan and plan, you look forward to things for months – and then they’re just over? And you don’t really think about them anymore? You see pictures or you remember a funny situation that happened, but the memories don’t even really feel like they’re yours? Almost like you never lived through it. This happens to me all the time.  I don’t remember this happening to me when I was younger, but ever since I’ve struggled with depression I have felt this way.

I think that’s the reason I started blogging.

I tend to forget things. And not in an Alzheimer's kind of way. But over time I just forget because the details aren’t important anymore. And depression has caused me to feel like a zombie walking through my own life in autopilot. I still have emotions. I still sit in front of the fire and close my eyes because it feels so good and warm. I still laugh when Mark and his brothers recite Dumb and Dumber over and over and over. I feel things. I express things. So I’m not totally on autopilot. But I feel like I just go from thing to thing. And nothing has more weight or importance than the next thing. I look forward to weekend plans all week and I have a great time once the weekend actually starts, but by Monday morning I’m already looking forward to the following weekend instead of thinking back over the one I just had.

My sisters wedding was such a huge event. And because of that I feel like the memories from that day should be extremely clear in my mind. I should be able to open up the 7.2.11 folder in my brain and relive it like it was yesterday. But I can’t. Partially because it was so wonderful and happened so quickly after months and months of planning that it was completely surreal. But also because I partially feel like I was watching the whole thing from above. And I hate that.

I used to think that I forgot things after-the-fact because I live in the moment. I am so engrossed in what I’m doing, that I don’t bring it along with me. I soak it up for all it’s worth and then move on. And maybe that’s true. But it’s also really frustrating and sad.

When I blog about family vacation, my favorite music, or a totally random topic that’s on my mind, I am somehow extending my emotions beyond the event. I can look back and read what I wrote. I can see how I felt. I can look back over months of my life and see how I’ve grown and changed. I have proof of what I’ve learned. Proof that I’ve lived. And proof that it mattered enough for me to write about it.

And so blogging has always been something that I’ve done for myself.
A way for me to focus on the positive things in life, the important things in life, the hard things in life. There have been periods where I blog every day because life is so vibrant that I have a ton to record. Other times life has been so confusing and still that I don’t have anything to say at all. And that’s important. I want to look back at my blog when I’m 25 - 35 - 45 and remember what life was like for me at twenty. I want to remember. I want to remember now, too.

I need that constant reminder of how blessed I am. The constant reminder of faith, family, friends, and love. The constant reminder that each day is a gift. The constant reminder to look for something to be thankful for on the days I’m really not feeling it.

I don’t blog for anyone else.
I don’t blog to have 8,000 followers. I only have 8. I don’t blog to be trendy and cool like all the other twenty-somethings in America. I actually am pretty much ok with the fact that I’m a loner and I’m pretty lame. I don’t blog to make my life seem fabulous. I try to be honest about the good and the bad because that’s real. I don’t mirror or copy my favorite bloggers because their topics/blogs are so popular. I blog about the things that are important to me even if no one but Mark reads it. I blog for me.

I’ve been thinking about this for a few weeks now. Which is why posting was a little sparse in September/October. I really needed to figure out why I was blogging so that I could continue. Otherwise it was pointless and I needed to stop. 
But I’m glad I took the time to sort it all out.

I blog for me.

Thank you to those of you that read and comment on a regular basis. I appreciate your feedback and truly am excited that you follow GG. It’s exciting to know that other people agree/disagree with you or connect with you through your life experiences. So thank you. And thank you for sticking through this one if you read to the end :) I don’t want it to seem like I think my purpose for blogging is better than anyone else's or I feel superior to other people. That is not the case. I just wanted to flush out my reasons for blogging.

Young Love

Disclaimer – This post is sickeningly cute and lovey dovey and very verrryy sappy.
Don’t say I didn’t warn you :)

August 21, 2009

…Was the day after I moved onto campus for my freshman year. I was sitting outside my dorm watching some people play foursquare with my roommate when three boys walked up. I don’t remember much about that specific night: how long we talked, what we were wearing, or introducing ourselves at all… but when it was all said and done I had Mark Kikendall’s phone number and he had mine. I actually got his number for my roommate because she thought he was hot but didn’t want to seem too desperate. I played the outgoing, fun, friendly roommate that just happened to get it for her… The next day the entire freshman class and student leaders that were on campus took the annual trip downtown for a scavenger hunt through Philadelphia. It poured at the end of the day, so we all got seated on the busses early and my roommate and I just happened to sit right in front of Mark and one of his friends. We made plans to hang out that night and unfortunately I don’t remember it at all… but I do have pictures…

From there on out we spent every day together. Taking notes in the library because we were sharing a psych book, walking the mall, driving to Wawa in his Civic, singing at the top of our lungs…

walking around the campus together at night…

and sitting by the pond during our breaks… (I was WAY in over my head… *swoon*)

ahh those were the days :) Freshman year. No job. No real schoolwork. No responsibility. Just time, sweet time. We sat together in chapel every day. We texted every day from 1-2 while he was in Intro to Theology and I was free, which is probably why he didn’t get such a great grade in that class. And we spent many hours on benches by the pond talking about life. It wasn’t all rainbows and butterflies. In fact, there was quite a lot of turmoil. And it’s all because I was finally free on my own and decided I was going to do what I wanted and not listen to a single thing my parents said, which did come back to bite me in the butt. But somehow Mark and I made it. I’m glad we are where we are today. We’ve been through a lot. And I’m thankful for every storm we’ve weathered. Today I still proof his papers, I still help him study for tests when he asks, we still walk the mall to window shop when we have time, we still sit around talking about life, and he’s still my best friend. It’s nice to travel back through time to the days when I hardly knew who Mark was at all and everything was so new and exciting because I tend to forget the people we were when he was 18 and I was 17… we’ve both learned and grown so much since then.

I’m also thankful for August 21, 2009. And I can’t believe it’s been two years :)

^^Seriously… I had no choice. No choice.

Thank you for working so hard. Thank you for being so sweet and kind. Thank you for putting me first. Thank you for being my best friend. Thank you for loving me.

Sometimes…

Sometimes getting what you want sucks.
Sometimes knowing that you’re right sucks.
Sometimes doing the right thing sucks.

That’s how I’m feeling today.

So how do you make it right?

You tell the people you love, that have given you what you want, that they have a choice. You make sure they’re not giving up the things they want in life for you just because they feel like they should. You make sure that they’re doing what they want to do.

You let yourself acknowledge you’re right and then immediately admit somewhere you must have been wrong. Because admitting you’re right to the grave won’t get you anywhere. Literally. And then you do what you have to do to make it right.

You do what you should do, even though it sucks, because in the long run it’ll make things better. And it’ll make things better for the people that you love. Because it’s all water over the dam anyway. In the end it won’t matter what was done to you. All that will matter is what you chose to do.

Annnd that’s all I’ve got. Let’s see how it all works out.

I should be paying myself for therapy.

ps. I can never remember if the saying is water over the dam or under the bridge.
Feel free to correct me.

The Road to Temple University

Soooo back when Trading Spaces was all.the.rage. I was in the 6th grade. And I came home every single afternoon from school and watched it before dinner. And it was right around that time that my parents took us all to IKEA and my sister and I got metal loft beds and matching dressers and bookshelves, and got new bedding, and moved back in to the big room together. And then a few years later we re-did the basement. And then the entire first floor. And then on my 15th birthday, right after Kayla went away to college, I got my own bedroom for the first time ever and I got to re-do the entire thing. And I was in heaven. I’ve always loved interior design. Always.

So this past May my mom’s dear friend invited me to go with her to the Bucks County Designer House where she had designed one of the rooms. We spent hours walking through the house and around the grounds. I was in my glory. She really thought I had a chance in the business and encouraged me to think about going with her to paint at one of her client’s homes and even maybe submit a design board to have a room at the house next year. That scared me A TON and made me want to run out of there as fast as I possibly could. I told her it would be such an amazing experience and I would love it, but I felt like I didn’t know enough. It was simply a hobby. She mentioned something about Temple University… and I don’t even remember having this part of the conversation when I think back to that day, but for some reason Temple stuck in my brain…

And one afternoon when I was sitting around moping and crying about the fact that I had not one clue what I wanted to do with my life, and more frustratingly, not one clue what I really want at all, I googled Temple Interior Design. And guess what? They were offering the certification course in one 6-day package at the Fort Washington campus which is 35 minutes from my house. And it was ridiculously affordable. I was interested, but my humungous fear of putting myself out there caused me to lightly mention it to my parents while they were both distracted, with the great hope that they both would ignore me and then I’d be off-the-hook. No such luck. They were so excited and demanded that I sign up. They ever offered to pay :) Lucky me!!

Well then the whole couple of months leading up to the class were also the weeks leading up to the wedding… and I knew that once the wedding was over I was going to be a little deflated and would need something to look forward to, but I was so so nervous because I was afraid the class was going to be full of wonderful design people who were snotty. And I was also afraid that I had no clue what to expect at all and I was going to be completely in over my head.

But alas, I was not. And it was so so amazing. And I loved every single second of it. And this week I’ll be posting more about the things I learned :) Can’t wait to share!!

The past 7-10 days…

Have been really fun and full and fabulous… and obviously I’ve had enough time for one solid blog post – and mostly that’s because I needed to process everything myself, so I took to writing… but here’s a look at my life via the pictures from my phone… and a few of these will be explained in more detail soon :)

 

I love starbucks. I love the Phillies. I love my dad’s front flower bed. I love super Wal-Mart. I LOVE THE MOON. I love prosource. I love room renovations. I love sushi.

And that, my friends, is a super speedy look at my week :) And as I’ve promised – the wedding recap, major gushing, and many pictures will be coming this week!! Can’t wait!!

A Post-It Note from God

As I’ve mentioned here before, this year hasn’t exactly been smooth sailing for me. It’s been wonderful and yet dreadfully hard.

Well about six months ago, maybe longer, I was talking with some friends and we joked about how we wish God wrote post-its because sometimes it’s just so hard to know what to do. Even when you seek the Lord’s direction, it can be unclear and confusing. Usually because He is just telling us to wait… but we’re impatient. At least I am :) Well a couple of months ago I was having a really bad day and I said to my mom, “I either need chocolate, a drink, or a post-it from God”. And she quickly replied, “We have chocolate ice cream in the freezer but it will only fix this for the ten minutes you eat it. You’re not 21 and we’re not exactly the drinking kind, plus a drink wouldn’t solve anything anyway. And unfortunately God is not in the post-it business. He is, however, in the control of the whole entire universe business. So pray about it and have peace. He is in control and He WILL guide you”.  OBV she’s the best mom ever with fabulous, biblical advice. I went to bed that night knowing she was right, but I still shed a few tears because of my own frustrations.

Well last week something really stuck with me from the sermon at church…

On Wednesday night, we were reading from 1 Chronicles 8-12… And in chapter 11 we learn that David was anointed by God to be the King (this is also recorded 1 Samuel 16). The point the Pastor made was the David was anointed King over Israel when he was just a boy, but Saul was still the reigning king. And then years and years pass where David is growing up, and learning from Saul, and then fleeing from Saul. Finally Saul dies and it is then that David is actually made king.
Moral of the Story: David was anointed to be King but had to wait a long time before God’s purpose and role for his life actually became his reality. Sometimes we feel God anointing us with a purpose for our lives, or we feel we are called to do something or have a certain profession – but the does not mean God intends for us to have it right away. God wants us to learn and grow – our own seminary of hard-knocks if you will.
I sat there and kept mulling this over and over in my brain. Mark even nudged my arm to make sure I was listening because he knew that this was exactly what I needed to hear. This really resonated with me because there are things I know I want in life, but it’s ok that right now I cannot have them. I also know that I want to do something for a career that I am passionate about, but I haven’t figured out what that is yet. And that is ok. I truly believe God created me for a purpose and in His time, I will fulfill it.

So I left church Wednesday night and this whole anointing thing kept coming to my mind for the next few days. I was then reading Francine Rivers’ book: A Lineage of Grace and she also brings up this part of David’s life and the period of time before he came to the throne. Rivers has one of the characters tell another character about this time of waiting, patience, growing, and sanctifying to encourage him…

So BAM literally twice in one week I am presented with the same story, the same point, and it’s presented in the same way. I’ve been to Bible college. I sat, listened, and read through an entire semester of the Old Testament and not once did this concept ever cross my mind. I felt like this was God sending a post-it my way. And when I read that specific paragraph in Rivers’ book I started smiling because I knew right then and there that God was hitting me over the head with the same lesson.

Patience. Be patient. God is in control. He created me with strengths and likes and dislikes and weaknesses and flaws. And He is growing me and molding me to be the woman He wants me to be. He has a plan for my life  and in His perfect timing He will show me what that is and will prepare me for it.

I feel like I keep learning this lesson over and over this year, but in different ways. In February God was telling me to slow down, come home, get healthy, and then wait for what was to come next. Then I started working and God kept saying give it time, you can’t be good at something over night, but you can do this. Then I was faced with a very hard decision and some very hard weeks. God said trust. Trust that I am the only one that can turn someone's heart and can open their eyes. Be patient. I do these things in My time frame, not yours. And now He is teaching me again that whatever is it that I’m supposed “to do” in this life could be right around the corner, could be a few years away, or it could be both. And so that’s where I’m at this week. And it’s a good thing.

Thank you Lord for the post-it and for preparing me for the purpose I was created for.

The thrift store and the beach never let me down

This afternoon I was looking through the pictures on my phone and realized I take pictures of three things:

1. my family
2. clothes
3. the things in life that make me smile or laugh

And I felt these few pictures from the last category were blog worthy :)

A. Who came up with this?

B. Who took the time the make it into a plaque?

C. I think its hilarious.

A. This statement is ignorant.

B. I actually support the Big Bang Theory.

C. If that makes you mad or confused or you want to discuss it e-mail me!!

A. This was taken yesterday on the Ocean City Boardwalk!!

B. This rainbow turned into a double rainbow which is awesomespice.
(thank you busy bee)

C. I love the beach!

A. This is also at OCNJ.

B. Yes, this is the Verizon Android phone giving a child a hug.

C. Yes, this is incredibly creepy.

Hope you enjoyed the mini-picture-journal :) I might have to do this more often!!

M.I.A.

It’s pretty obvious that I’ve been Missing In Action over the last few weeks and here are my excuses/a few reasons why…

1. Life is hard. And I’ve been doing a whole lot of thinking. It isn’t the kind that I want everyone to know about. It’s also not the kind you’d probably want to read about.
And so I haven’t really had much to say or blog about.

2. Sometimes I just get so darn sick and tired of writing and reading about myself.
I don’t know how some people update an outfit post every day.
I get tired of hearing myself. Thus I needed a break.

3. Between work and shower planning and shower having and recouping - I’ve been busy. I also have a dear friend from out of state visiting for a few weeks and we’ve been catching up. So yes I chose life over the blog. And I’m glad I did :)

Now onto the brilliantly inspiring post!! Just kidding. But maybe.

 

Yesterday I bought myself I new bead for my Chamilia Bracelet. I’ve decided I’m really not the type to get a tattoo because a. they’re permanent b. I change my mind all the time c. my dad would be extremely upset and I need to respect him. But I wanted to keep something with me at all times to remind me of the things I’ve learned, the things I need to remember, and the things I never want to forget. I wear my Chamilia bracelet pretty much every day, so I considered getting a new bead. I figured it was prettier, cheaper, way more me, and much more acceptable at home :)

When I went into the boutique I wasn’t even planning to buy a bead, I just wanted to look. And then this bead just caught my eye. It’s a white glass bead that has a shimmer to it.
It sounds so so so lame but for some reason I just felt drawn to it. So I bought it.
And I’m really glad I did.

First – “Sin had left a crimson stain, HE washed it white as snow”
The bead symbolizes God’s forgiveness of my sin. Because of Jesus’ death on the cross, my debts are paid. I’ve made a lot of mistakes in my life. I’ve done things even when I knew they were wrong. Yet God is gracious and merciful and has forgiven me. That’s something I need to remember and be thankful for and praise God for every day. I also need a reminder to repent of my sin. I’ve been forgiven, but I’m going to sin again.
I need to continue to repent of my sin.

Second – 7 times 77
Jesus commands us to forgive time and time again. To forgive every time. This is something that is very hard for me. Initially it is very easy for me to forgive others. But as time goes on I begin to think about the words that were spoken or the events that took place and I realize how hurt I am. It makes it very hard for me to continue to forgive the person in my heart. Forgive and Forget is right on. Forgiving right away isn’t the hard part for me, it’s the forgetting. It’s getting easier as time goes on, and I know that is the Lord working in my life and molding me to be more like Jesus. The bead reminds me to continue to forgive in my heart every single day.

Third – A Fresh Start
The day that I bought this marked the first day of something new. Life is changing and change can be hard, but change can also be good. I need to view every day as a new opportunity, as a gift from God, and as a fresh start. Sure there will be bumps in the road. Sure there will be times when I may long for something different, something more, or something I once had, but I know God is in control.
For that reason alone I need to view every day with a positivity.

Fourth – Lessons Learned Along Life’s Journey
The other two beads on my bracelet are important to me. They are symbolic of a friendship and of love. They are from a time in my life from which I have learned a lot. They are from a time in my life that has changed who I am. They are from a time in my life that I do not want to forget, regret, or hate. My past is a part of me. And I’m glad it is. This bead is the next step, the next lesson learned, the bridge between what was before and what is next.

I hope this super sappy post didn’t bore you to tears, but inspired you to
learn from your past, cherish every day, forgive others and maybe even yourself,
and most importantly keeps your eyes and heart fixed on Jesus.

Butter Brickett

Tonight was Sar-Bear’s band concert and I have to say I was mighty impressed. Those 4th, 5th, and 6th graders play really really well!! Sarah’s clarinet practicing sure has paid off :) My mother and I laughed and held our breath and gawked because that’s what we do. My grandparents smiled and clapped quite nicely. And Kayla and Bucky left early for pre-martial counseling at church. I was kinda jealous of their early exit because they didn’t have to sit through the 6th Grade Boys Choir rendition of “in the jungle…. the mighty jungle” and “twist and shout” BUT my patience paid off.

Nana and Poppop took us to the farm for ice cream after the concert!

And I got Butter Brickett in a waffle cone and sat on a picnic table in complete bliss.
The four miles I ran earlier were a distant memory and I let myself feel zero guilt because tonight was unofficially the first night of summer.
And that, my friends, in something to be celebrated.

It’s actually called Butter Brickle. But one time last summer when I was at the farm with a friend I said Butter Brickett on accident and now Brickle just sounds dumb…
Good story right? Yeah, I know :)

My life is pretty boring these days and I’m in a slump – emotional and lifesicle (yes, I made that up. It’s the life version of emotional/physical/mental and it also sounds like obstacle and popsicle so it’s a little good and a little bad). And because of that slump elementary school band concerts and ice cream dates with my grandparents are the things I’m loving most about life. I’m 100% thankful for the small blessings God gives me every day :)

Hope your week is going well and make sure you stop by tomorrow for the first installment of Bandwagon Wednesday Divas!!!

Random Fact Friday

Soo a big part of this whole blog thing is getting to know the girls/guys  you follow. You start to recognize their writing style and you feel like you can actually hear them saying the things you read, you recognize the people in their life, and you start to feel like you know the person!! That’s one of the reasons I love blogs/blogging.

So I’ve decided to have a Random Fact Friday!! I’ll share a few facts about me and you can share a few facts about you!! It’ll be like having coffee at Starbucks without the overpriced latte, smelly clothes/hair afterwards, and actually being in the same place at the same time… Ok here it goes :)

1. Speaking of Starbucks – I get the same thing every single time I go – BIG shocker there :) Either a White Mocha hot, iced, or frappucino’ed

2.  When I get in my car I think I’m Danica Patrick. Or Speed Racer. But Danica is prettier. I don’t always drive really fast… but I  love to drive. And I love to get where I’m headed. ** Also side note. I google imaged Danica Patrick and was slightly horrified.
I chose the Got Milk campaign because it was the least racy picture.
I never realized she was like the Kim Kardashian of NASCAR. Weird.

3. I love chocolate. Milk is my favorite, Dark is definitely ok, and White is tasty but uncommon. And while I love chocolate – I hate candy. Sure I’ll have a starburst or a handful of sour patch kids – but other than that I think it’s gross. Easter candy has no appeal to me… and neither does Halloween really. I’m not a candy kid…

4. I love Disney World. Love love love love it. And one of my dreams of all dreams is to be Belle in the Beauty and the Beast show at Hollywood Studios. Belle was always my favorite and this past January I teared up watching the shortened show again. It’ll never happen. But it’s nice to have dreams like that, don’t cha think?

5. And since I’m still on the Royal Wedding high… I’ll add some humor. The fact: I love hats. I think it’s super cool that everyone wears them to Royal Weddings. It sets a Royal Wedding apart from any other one… It’s classy, It’s fabulous. Humor: Was anybody else thinking this?!? HAHA. Oh dear. Yikes. The blue one isn’t too bad. But if I saw the other sister I’d want to throw something through it… And how is that staying on and not driving her insane?!? Crazy. Slightly upstaging the bride? I think so.
Thankfully Kate was too perfect to be upstaged :)

 

Hope you enjoyed the random facts!! Leave me a comment with a five about you – and let me know what you thought about the Royal Wedding!! Didn’t Kate look AMAZING!?!?